what could have been, what should have been, what it'll never be
by PausedInTime
Summary: After five long years of travelling together, the Doctor and Clara finally settle down in marriage. They're expecting a child, a little girl and the Doctor has plans to share his news with friends old and new.


**Summary; After five long years of travelling together, the Doctor and Clara finally settle down in marriage. They're expecting a child, a little girl and the Doctor has plans to share his news with friends old and new.**

The Doctor ran through the trenches, his red velvet coat being covered in mud as he hit every edge of the trench walls. He was clutching onto Clara's hand, pulling her through whilst bullets whistled past their heads. He needed to get Clara to safety and fast. The Doctor was supposed to have taken Clara to France in the 1800's for their third year anniversary of being married and somehow the TARDIS had ended up right in the middle of France, sometime around the 1930's in the middle of the trenches. French soldiers were being shot down right beside them as they ran, but the Doctor carried on running. He needed to get Clara Oswald safe. The Doctor finally reached the TARDIS, moving Clara through the doors before he got through. He slammed them and wasted no time in getting out of there. It was never a dull moment, but now they had a child to think of. The Doctor grinned at Clara, the adrenaline coursing through his body. He had never felt so alive. The Time Lord moved the TARDIS from its place and set a random date, his eyes not moving from Clara's. The adventure never did get old, even after all these years.

Clara's boots, tights and the skirt of her dress were getting soaked in dirt. She was running as fast as she could. She couldn't feel a thing, adrenaline pumped through her veins; her body was lit with energy. She heard the terrified and the agonising screams as they reached the TARDIS. She skidded through and grabbed hold of the console, panting as she caught her breath, her heart still racing.

"Not a bad anniversary, Doctor." she laughed, her hand rested on her chest. Her eyes locked onto his, she was feeling rather warm.

The Doctor landed the TARDIS, but he had no idea where. Slowly, he stepped towards his wife and kneeled down in front of Clara, his hands on her stomach, "And how's my little girl in there?" He asked quietly, as if his voice was going to frighten the baby.

"Our own little Time Tot..."

Clara smiled as he stepped towards her, she lowered her hand to her roundish stomach. "She's good, I think that was quite a lot of excitement for her." she said in a quiet voice too. If only she knew what was to come. Clara covered his hands with her own, her gaze shifted from her belly to her husband.

The Doctor stared up at Clara, a small smile on his face. The look in his eyes was the only look a proud father and husband would ever have. He broke his gaze from Clara's and leaned across, placing a delicate kiss on her round stomach, "I hope you're okay in there, little one. I hope the running hasn't frightened you too much. We're going to see all of daddy's friends, if that's okay? It'll be yours and your mummy's first time meeting them."

Clara held his hands as she watched his beautiful face. She had never wished for anything like this, it was wonderful. The look in his eyes fuelled her heart. "She'll be fine, she's gonna like the running when you're old enough aren't ya?" Clara giggled softly and rubbed her belly.

"Who are we meeting?" She asked him, raising an eyebrow at him.

The Doctor slowly stood up, gave his wife a knowing smile and slipped his hand into Clara's, fingers interlocking with hers. He opened the TARDIS doors and stepped out, to find all of his previous companions waiting for him, smiles on their faces as their eyes landed on Clara's stomach. "Afternoon, everyone. I managed to get you all here to tell you something."

Clara stepped out nervously behind the Doctor. She felt a twinge in her stomach and she squeezed his hand a little once she saw all the people waiting outside the TARDIS. Clara looked back up at the Doctor, she recognised most of them from a few years back when during one of her sleepless nights on board, the TARDIS showed her all the beautiful women who had once walked the TARDIS halls.

"This is unexpected", she said softly, feeling a little self-conscious as their eyes went to her stomach.

The Doctor squeezed Clara's hand back, not realising Clara's stomach had a nasty twinge and stepped forward towards Amy Pond and Rory Williams, "Amy, Rory, you may recognise Clara's voice as Oswin's voice. They are, essentially the same person, but Clara is the real version. And now that I'm a different Doctor and I've travelled with Clara for five years, I decided to marry her and she's pregnant with a half time lord, half human baby girl."

Clara put the twinge down to nerves, nothing more and followed the Doctor. She held her hand out towards Amy and Rory as she said, "Hello, so you're the Pond's." Clara looked at them both happily.

"It's really lovely to see you,"

Rory introduced himself first and congratulated Clara on the baby, then Amy reluctantly gave her a hug and raised her eyebrow at the Doctor, clearly not expecting something like this to have happened or for him to look so completely different from her raggedy man. The Doctor folded his arms over his chest, a bright smile on his face as he watched Clara talk to the Ponds.

Captain Jack stepped up and moved to kiss Clara's hand, "Captain Jack Harkness," he told her and the Doctor raised his eyebrow, a warning tone in his voice, "Jack, stop it."

As soon as he said it, Jack backed off with a grin on his face, "Right sorry, she's your tiny space wife."

Clara gave Amy a hug whilst thanking Rory. She liked them, they were nice. Clara remembered the stories he'd tell her about their adventures. She turned as a young man appeared next to her, taking her hand. A blush appeared on her cheeks as he kissed it. "Don'y worry Doctor, " Clara flashed him a smile before turning back to Jack.

"Clara Oswald, nice to meet you Captain." she smiled politely at him before protesting, "Nothing wrong with my height!

Jack held up his arms, standing back, "Of course there isn't, feisty one, isn't she?" He asked the Doctor, a smirk on his face. The Doctor laughed and walked forward, takinh Clara's hand, his thumb stroking her wedding ring.

"Clara, this is Martha and Mickey and I assume their children.." He smiled, pointing over to them as they all waved, smiles on their faces.

Clara gave Jack a smirk before raising her other hand as a half wave as the Doctor led her away. And there it was again, another painful twinge. This time she took a sharp breath in as they walked. Her free hand came to rest on her stomach and she bit her smile back on her face. "Lovely to meet you, you have gorgeous children." she told the couple as they approached them.

The Doctor noticed this time. He frowned and turned his head to Clara, "Clara?" He questioned his wife, worry etching across his face, "Clara, are you okay? What was that?" He asked her, swallowing hard. Was there something wrong with the baby?

Her eyes flickered up to his as the pain dulled again. "I think she was just moving around. She's being very fidgety today," Clara laughed nervously as she rubbed her stomach, soothing before looking back at the couple in front of them. She held her free hand out to Mickey with a smile.

The Doctor wasn't even listening to the conversation in front of him. He swallowed, his hands on Clara's stomach as he watched it, his angry eyebrows frowned in confusion and worry. What if something had happened to the baby? Her heart had begun to beat a lot faster in a short space of time, and she hadn't done anything. Clara was in the middle of a conversation as her face began to pale quickly and then Martha noticed. Their voices began to sound further away, then suddenly the pain struck again. She gripped onto the Doctors arm and before she knew it, she was falling. Blackness surrounded Clara as her eyes fell shut. Blood had begun to show through her dress in small patches at first.

The Doctor's eyes widened as Clara grew pale and shouted her name as she gripped his arm, trying to make sure she would stay conscious. His hearts leaped into his throat as Clara fell into his arms; he immediately lifted her up and carried her to the TARDIS, almost running. There was too much running, this was his fault.

The Doctor whimpered as he spotted the blood on her dress, his eyes stinging with his own tears, "No, no, no..."

She felt like she was floating. And she was. She kept drifting in and out of consciousness. The pain was unbearable. Her eyes fluttered up to his, unfocused as she murmured his name, sort of like a plea. She gazed down and felt a dampness between her legs. "What's happening…?" She mumbled before groaning as she felt faint again.

The Doctor refused to tell her what was happening because he didn't want to believe it himself. He swallowed and carried her into the medical bay, where he laid her down and brushed back her hair, "You're okay, you're okay..." He muttered, more or less telling himself she'd be okay. The Doctor disappeared and dropped the TARDIS right outside a hospital. The TARDIS wouldn't save the baby, she didn't have the power. The Doctor carried Clara into the hospital and watched as a Doctor took her from him. He followed them into a room where they examined Clara and kept her breathing, making sure she wasn't losing too much blood.

"Doctor..." She mumbled as he disappeared from her view. The pain came back again and she screamed for him. Once he reappeared, she felt relieved. It took her a few minutes to notice she was in a hospital.

"Doctor..." She mumbled as she let her head roll to the side. Her hand searched weakly beside her for his. She found an oxygen mask being placed on her face and she began to panic. Clara began to cry silently as her womb felt like it was being torn apart and she slowly realised what was happening.

The Doctor couldn't hold back his tears. He whimpered and picked up Clara's hand, kissing it gently. It was pale and it panicked him, there was no stopping it now. "You'll be fine," he told her with a nod of his head as he was held back by three Doctors, telling him he needed to wait outside.

"Don't leave me!" Clara shouted helplessly through her mask at him as tears streamed down her face. Clara found herself feeling light headed again. This couldn't be happening. It just couldn't. Not to them. They always fixed it.

The Doctor slowly sat down on a chair outside Clara's room and whimpered, folding his arms over his chest. He had no idea what to do with himself. He swallowed and shook his head, no. This wasn't happening. They were not losing their baby. Clara kept drifting in and out of consciousness as the Doctors spoke around her. Since she was quite far along they decided she'd have to deliver the baby as their last chance of keeping it alive. She shook her head. She wasn't ready for this and neither would the baby be. It would be too small. But the Doctors insisted. She just wanted her Doctor. She cried out for him as they sat her up better and propped her legs up.

The Doctor growled and tried to push his way through as he stood up from his chair, but the other Doctors protested and told him it was more than likely the baby had died and he didn't want to see it. "I need to be there for my wife!"

Clara was crying as she pushed. God did it hurt. They gave her gas to try and ease the pain but it barley had an effect. She threw her head back and squeezed her eyes shut as they told her to push again. She could see her Doctor trying to get in from the door as she looked straight back as she pushed again, groaning in agony.

The Doctor growled and swung his fist, punching one of the Doctors in the face. He pushed his way through the doors and sat down beside Clara, gripping her hand tight, "I'm here, Clara. I'm here."

Clara looked to her left, tears in her eyes as she saw him. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry!" She screamed the last part before panting as they said she could breathe. She squeezed his hand as she began to push again. She couldn't believe she had lost their baby. She believed it was all her fault.

The Doctor leaned forward, his hand squeezing hers as he pressed a kiss to the side of her head, "It's okay, it's okay, just breathe, you're going to be fine." He couldn't help the tears falling down his face.

It took her almost an hour to deliver the baby and when she did the room was silent apart from her heavy breathing. The bottom of the bed was covered in blood and her heart was crushed. There was no sound of a baby crying. After a minute or two she looked down at the tiny baby that a nurse quickly took out of the room. Her eyes snapped back over to the Doctor. "I-" she closed her mouth. She had no words. Her big sad eyes looked at him.

The Doctor left Clara's side and paced the room, his hand running through his thick hair, "Get out." He growled at the Doctors and they left quickly, leaving Clara and the Doctor in the room. He whimpered, not able to look at her. The Doctor wretched, almost sick as he bent over, tears streaming from his eyes.

Clara was in shock. Only a few hours ago they were happy. She watched him let go of her hand even though she desperately tried to hold onto it. She flinched as he growled at the Doctors. Her bump had gone. It was all too real. He hated her. She could feel it. He couldn't even look at her. Clara bunched up the bed sheets in her tiny hands. Her body shook as she silently cried. How could everything have gone so wrong so fast? The Doctor walked over to the desk and started sorting everything out, not letting his tears fall anymore. He swallowed and moved everything around, a clear sense of OCD in the Time Lord. He wanted everything in order and he had no control over anything. The Doctor started to chuck papers everywhere until he was growling and throwing books on the floor and against the windows.

Clara watched him sadly until he started to throw things. She saw his anger flaring. "Doctor... Doctor!" She shouted at him, begging him to stop. She flinched, watching him, too tired to get up and stop him herself. Her body was mostly numb.

"Please." her voice was raw and empty.

The Doctor picked up the computer and slammed it against the window, smashing it to pieces. He cried until he couldn't cry anymore and fell down onto the seat behind the desk, his head down in his arms.

Clara looked frightened. She had never seen him this angry before. She had caused this. And she hated herself for it. On their wedding anniversary too. "Please Doctor... I'm sorry, I know you're angry and you have every right to hate me just..." She cried. her heart was beating faster.

"Don't do this..." She just wanted to curl into a ball and die.

The Doctor stood up slowly and carefully walked over to Clara, tears streaming from his face. He swallowed and hugged her side, whimpering and sobbing over their dead child. Clara had tried to hold it together for him. But that just resulted in her body shaking. She bowed her head into the crook of his neck and cried. She whimpered her apologies into his shoulder. She had never sounded so defeated in all her life.

The Doctor continued to whimper, sighing heavily as he cried into his wife, convinced he was starting to stain her shirt with his tears. "I- I can't breathe..." He whimpered, moving away from Clara as he bowed his head in between his legs, only crying harder as he breathed heavily, almost like a panic attack.

Clara took the opportunity to detach herself from him and she went silent. Scarily silent, though her tears did not stop. She felt like her heart had been ripped out of her chest. Her life choked out of her. She couldn't even bring herself to calm him, her husband. Or what would be her husband for as long as he allowed her to be his wife. She had ruined everything. A nurse walked back in quietly and helped Clara into a more comfortable position as she changed the bedsheets to get rid of the blood stains. Clara was motionless as the nurses cleaned her up and others tried to console The Doctor. They saw the mess that was made of the room but chose wisely to keep their mouths shut. The Doctor growled and shoved the nurse's hands away from his shoulders, whimpering. He lifted his head up, the tears not able to fall. The Doctor growled under his breath, his expression emotionless as he stared ahead, not blinking. It was like he had become a Cyberman and his emotions had shut down. Clara hadn't even realised she had been put in a wheelchair and was being taken out of the room to be cleaned up. Her head was certainly not in a good place any more. And seeing the Doctor react like that had physically broken her heart.

The Doctor shook his head violently, refusing to believe they had lost their baby girl. Now the anger was setting in. He growled and left the hospital, jumping into the TARDIS. He left a text to Clara's father to meet her at the hospital and left to deal with his grief by himself. He would break a billion hearts to heal his own. When Clara was returned to the room, he had gone. No note. No nothing. And Clara thought that was it. She had lost her baby girl and her husband in the space of three hours. She cried. She cried until she fell asleep in her hospital bed. A day later her father had taken her home and she refused to get out of bed. She had taken her wedding ring off and put it on a silver chain around her neck. She refused to eat. The only time she left her bed was to be sick in the bathroom. Her dad stayed with her. He stayed on the couch since her apartment didn't have a spare room.

The Doctor had managed to get himself into trouble every single day for two weeks. He still wore his wedding ring, he didn't blame Clara. He blamed himself for allowing her to continue travelling with him whilst she was pregnant. He had made her lose their baby girl and it was his fault. He distracted himself by starting small wars against the Cybermen and the Daleks, he had lost count how many he had managed to kill. The Doctor's name was spreading around the universe, killer, and murderer. But he didn't care, he wasn't the Doctor anymore. Eventually he had returned to Clara's flat, stumbling out of the doors as his velvet coat was torn and he hadn't bothered to repair it. His hair was a mess and he had cuts and bruises all over him and a nasty limp to walk with.

Clara was skinner. With every meal she refused to eat, she just made herself sick. This was her way of getting control back. Her way of getting revenge on herself, Clara had been sat staring out of the window. She'd sent her dad home, he was furious with the Doctor for leaving her like this. He still came up on weekends. Her tired eyes didn't even inflate when she heard the TARDIS engines. She didn't move. She figured he'd finally come back to yell at her. She looked expectantly at her bedroom door. The Doctor carefully opened Clara's bedroom door, swallowing hard. He was terrified to see her, to see the state she was in. Clara was probably worse than him. He twisted the door handle, having hesitated at first and then slowly pushed it open. He stared at Clara, his hands in his pockets.

Clara stared at him. She gulped visibly. "You're back," her voice was empty. Every bit of joy and happiness had been sucked out of her.

"What happened to you?" She asked, taking in his appearance. Even if he hated her, which she fully believed her did, she would still ask him, she would want him to be okay.

He paced the room, fiddling with his wedding ring. The Doctor did not know how to deal with this. "I needed to let off some steam," he told her, sending her one of his typical 'I'm okay' smiles.

She glanced at his hand and a small flutter of panic rose in her chest. "And now?" She looked at him as she forced herself to stand on shaky legs. "I completely understand if this is it. End of the road for us." She reached around and unclasped her necklace.

"I take it you'll want this back..." Her voice was barely above a whisper as her small skinny hands trembled.

The Doctor frowned at Clara, confused. He stared at her wedding band around the necklace and cleared his throat, "Why would I want that back?" He questioned his wife, staring up at Clara.

"You're my wife, that's a big thing to a Time Lord."

"I shouldn't be... You deserve someone who isn't as incompetent as me," she could feel bile rising in the back of her throat.

"You deserve someone who can give you what you want..." She left her hand out, holding the necklace and band out to him still. Clara was through with herself. She had been spiralling in darkness for two weeks. All the time believing she was the reason their baby girl died.

The Doctor stepped forward and took the necklace from Clara. It look like he was going to turn and walk away but instead he took the wedding band off of the necklace, took her hand and carefully placed it onto her finger, refusing to make eye contact. It was his fault.

Clara bit back tears as he turned. But then when he took her hand and put the ring back on her finger, she looked down at it. "You're not-" she couldn't finish her sentence because she had begun to cry. She held onto his hand, she'd missed his touch.

He never was good with portraying his emotions correctly. The Doctor chewed his bottom lip, as if to stop himself from crying. He cleared his throat and shuffled around on his feet, his hand lingering on Clara's.

She couldn't help herself. She threw her arms around him and pressed her unfamiliar skinny form to his chest in a hug. "I'm sorry- I'm so sorry." she sobbed into his dusty and torn jacket. But she didn't care, she needed him.

The Doctor tensed up, not use to being shown love as for two weeks he had caused wars and pain, something he would never speak to Clara about. He whimpered and wrapped his arms around Clara, his face nuzzling into her neck as he held her tightly as if she was the last thing he had on earth.

When he tensed up she almost pulled away. But she didn't. She just pulled him closer and bunched his jacket into her hands. "Don't leave me..." She whispered between whimpers because she couldn't promise that she'd still be here next time he left her again.

He nodded, "I'll never leave you, Clara Oswald... I have a duty of care." The Doctor whispered into his wife's ear, his hand stroking her back, reaching the back of her head as his fingers pushed through the strands of it.

"I love you too," she cried silently as she adjusted her grip on him. She had no idea how they'd get past this. She clung to him as if he was the light at the end of the tunnel.

The Doctor slowly pulled back from Clara, his blue eyes taking in her appearance. His eyes widened, she had gotten far too skinny, "Clara..." He muttered, his voice drained as he stared down at Clara's body.

If he knew one thing it was that they were going to sort this out.

Together, like they did everything else.


End file.
